Clients talk to me on a regular basis about wanting a relationship or wondering when the relationship they want is going to happen. You know, “Where is my soul mate and when are they going to get here?” 85% of the time the answer is that it will happen when it happens but mostly when you dump the double standard. Which is about the time their jaw drops and I get dead silence with a dash of crickets from them.
It’s funny, but most people asking the question want a partner who exemplifies the kind of life they want to have. The problem is that they don’t exemplify that life. They want someone who is living authentically, whose professional life matches their personal life, who is living healthy inside and out, who is available/ethical/moral/spiritual and possibly has their shit together. Let alone all the other things they need to be in order to qualify like sexual orientation, age, kids/no kids etc. Of course, they themselves usually are aspiring to be these things, well thinking about being that kind of person, well dreaming that it might happen some day if the universe aligns everything and synchronicity occurs and there’s a sign and the exact right opportunity presents itself at just the right moment when they have the courage to act on it…
So they expect their partner to be this, but not themselves. Sometimes, they want the partner to be the catalyst to make that happen, other times they want the partner to make it happen for them, and still others they just want this magical someone to fill in all their needs and wounds and missing bits. You know, a human/emotional band aid. Well, who wouldn’t sign up for that???!!! If we want a partner who is all those things, then we need to expect those things of ourselves as well. We need to be able to offer them just as much as we’re expecting them to offer us. We can’t say “Take me as I am”, say we’ll take them as they are but with this list of non-negotiable exceptions. We need to first be that laundry list of non-negotiable items. So let go of the double standard and start being what you want in life.