Just because a person knows there is an issue or that they have an issue…just because they know that how they behave is causing problems or that there is something they are just not getting, it doesn’t always follow that they will work to resolve it. I mean, how many times have we said, “I should have this (wonderful thing to eat or drink)…but I’m going to anyway” ? Or what about the times we absolutely know we shouldn’t do a thing or buy a thing? Or all the affairs that just seem to happen while people weren’t looking for them? Just because you know doesn’t mean that you’re automatically even willing to fix it.
In general, people don’t do things that aren’t serving them in some way. People don’t develop behaviors out of thin air, they develop them as a means to survive. They find what works and what works best and then they repeat it over and over again. Because recreating the wheel means starting from scratch, being awkward and vulnerable and sometimes making mistakes and even failing. Why do that when you know this works? Sure it hurts. And it hurts other people. And it keeps us from the things we think we should be achieving and becoming, but *and here’s the kicker* that’s just the way it is.
People say this as if its true. It’s a statement that tries to convince them and us that their behaviors are as unchanging and fundamental as gravity. That there is nothing to be done and we should simply adapt. Such statements signal something really critical for those listening. It signals that no matter how much the person knows about the issue, no matter how much they are loved and supported and confronted, they are not willing to change. Not today. “Just the Way It Is” is a statement of identity. It is saying this is who I am. It can be said as an admission of defeat, as a confrontation that dares others to challenge their assertion, or it can be a validation of all that information they have been handed for so long. But make no mistake, it is a declaration of stasis. There will be no change here today, I say good day! So in the face of a declaration that no healing will be undertaken, will you choose to adapt to their issues or take on the change yourself by setting a healthy boundary or walk away? The choice is yours because that’s just the way it is.