It’s a rule of thumb that we excuse other’s choices and actions as a result of circumstances and yet we blame ourselves for having character flaws and serious problems or issues when we’re in the same spot. Yes, we’re all responsible for our choices and actions in any given situation but I don’t know how many times people have lashed themselves as if having made do with not only lemons but rotten lemons and still made lemonade is a character flaw which makes them a walking catastrophe instead of the war hero they actually are. 😛
For example: I’ve made really bad choices in significant other in my life. They ended up like then when I wanted that, they did this when I needed them to be that, and I always end up on this short end the stick doing all of this other thing. Ok, so there’s a reason why you are wanting to be in relationship, that’s a thing. It could be causing the issue. You could be choosing exactly the wrong people for some reason. That could also be causing the issue. But there’s a third factor: you could be picking the right people and they choose to zig when they agreed to zag. I look at contract after contract between people and the one thing that isn’t factored in to anyone’s equation in their heads, it would seem, is that the other half of the party might renege on what they agreed to do. They might get stuck in their own issues, they might decide to go in a completely different direction, they might refuse to deal with things they are supposed to deal with and therefore they aren’t what you need or can’t show up the way you need them to. Is this a character flaw on your part? Nope. Is that about bad choosing skills? Nope. It that you’re problem inherently? Nope. It’s theirs. It affects you, sure. But does it mean you need to go spelunking to find your core kernel of badness that needs to be rooted out? Nope. So take off the cave diving gear and start putting your efforts into something more productive.
Life is rarely as simple as either or, but its way more simple if we give ourselves some credit. An E for effort as it were. We aren’t in control of everything and everyone, we aren’t responsible for it all either, which is a great thing, I think. So the grace we give other people, seeing that they aren’t fully responsible for how a situation came into being but they are doing the best they can to deal with it, is something we should give to ourselves as well. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar even when it comes to the big things. Our true nature shines through if we actually look at things without blame or unnecessary burden. In seeing that a little more freedom emerges and you get just a little more wing space to stretch and possibly touch sky.